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| Goodbye |
| 09.18.07 (10:46 pm) [edit] |
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I'm ending this blog account.
Firstly, tblog sucks. I just found it extremely slow to load, and tends to not work, or at least not work on the few occasions that I wanted to blog.
So, bye!
New blog at
http://mad-rantings-of-an -ins...
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| Life Is Just So Ironic |
| 05.21.07 (8:52 pm) [edit] |
Wow... I can't believe how fast the the past month & a half has gone by.
To start with, work has been incredibly hectic. The new system was scheduled to be deployed at start of May so we all worked extra hard to meet the schedule. There were quite a lot of post-deployment issues & bugs that needed to be fix up, so work is still very busy at the moment.
What else... oh yeah, I think I mentioned that I went to see Miss Saigon with a friend & her flatmates at start of April (actual date was 01/04). Since then, I've been spending quite a bit of time with that friend, probably a tad too much for my mental health.
So basically the last month & a half I have either been working hard, or spending time with my new crush, or plotting to spend to spend more time with her. sigh.... definitely not good, I need someone to hit me with a brick and knock some sense into me.
She's an oversea student & is leaving Melbourne for good in July, falling for a girl that I'll have to say goodbye to REALLY isn't a good idea. I am just setting myself up for pain.
Lately, I've been thinking. What if the feeling is mutual? What if she's even slightly interested? What would I do? What could I do? Am I willing to leave my comfort zone? Leave Australia? She doesn't even know where she's going to be next as she'll hoping to get an oversea job. And she wants to move around the globe. I am really not sure if I can make such a sacrifice.
It's not that I can't or won't leave Australia, I think I can move home to another country. But I don't think I can forever be a vagabound, a sense of "home" & stability is important to me.
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| Pain & Glory |
| 04.23.07 (9:53 pm) [edit] |
I attend my friend's buck's day Go-Karting / BBQ in Somerton on Sunday and like every time I've raced go-karts before, it was a day full of excitment, speed, fun and pain.
My ribs hurt (I don't know why), my lower back is in pain, my hands have lost the strength to grip and my entire body smells of grease & oil..... But it was all worth it! I had the fastest lap in the 1st qualifying round (but lost the final race), raced neck to neck with one of my best friends (whom I've always lost to) before taking him out in a spectacular glorious crash.
Today marked my best personal performance on the tracks after years of mediocre racing, and I managed to ram someone HARD while doing so!
Oh... and the groom-to-be won the final race. But I will show him no such mercy in the future...
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| Busy, But I'm OK |
| 04.12.07 (1:31 am) [edit] |
Work has been very hectic the past month and will continue to be so until the end of this particular project. We're aiming for Friday week but if we really, really have to, we'll delay it a bit.
I don't think I've been so concerned about work ever in my career. I was actually thinking about the project during the Easter weekend and had to force myself to not think about it. Each time I thought about the project & the deadline, I felt panicky & worried. That was because I entered the Easter weekend with a bunch of unresolved work related problems, which thankfully, were resolved on Tuesday after the break.
But I am working hard and taking very short lunch breaks, which I hope to not do anymore so I can go to the gym during the lunchtimes. Yep, I've started exercising again (briefly), but have not been able to take time to gym the past fortnight because of work.
Life is kinda work focused at the moment. I've even stopped chatting up the Japanese girl at the takeaway near work, cause my mind has been pre-occupied with work even at lunchtimes.
Also I've just realized I've been behaving in a really, really retarded way recently regarding pretty girls. I think it's my unconscious mind trying to help me get over my last serious crush/infatuation, by making me suddenly take a liking to just about every pretty girl I've met in the past month.
Yes, I know it's Spring in Japan (and the Northern Hemisphere) and "love is in the air" in Spring time, but I can't use that as an excuse since I actually live in the Southern Hemisphere (Australia). I just have to be sane and not chase every skirt I see.
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| Why Must You Taunt Me So? |
| 04.02.07 (12:25 am) [edit] |
I went to see Miss Saigon (the musical, not the person) tonight with a friend and her 2 flatmates.
One of her flatmate is a tall gorgeous asian chick, she's around my height, slim built, pretty when not smiling and drop-deap gorgeous when she smiles (and she smiles often). Got to admit I was quite smitten.
The thing is, she's a devout Buddhist. Oh, it's not like I am the perfect goody-two-shoes churh-attending type of Christian, and it's not like I am religiously intolerant (did I mention my parents are also Buddhists?).
But despite of what how I feel about the usual hyprocritical church-attending good Christian boys & girls or about the legalistic religious Christian churches, and despite the struggles I have about my own faith, I am not willing to give up what I know to be true. And I am not willing to turn my back on the promises & commitments I made years ago.
Even though I not am actively looking for or pursuing a relationship, I still find it bitterly ironic that the I am only meeting attractive young women that I simply cannot pursue.
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| Damn Imagination |
| 02.11.07 (8:24 pm) [edit] |
I think this is the 3rd weekend in a row where I've not left the house. I'm bored stiff. Well... that's a reflection of how popular I am, how many my friends I have and how much they want to spend time with me.
I was getting ready for bed and imagined what it would be like to slice my wrist... and had to come up with good reasons why I still want to live. Hmmm...
1) Didn't want to make a mess, blood tend to get quite messy. Of course I could do that while being the bath full of water but that seems a like a bad way to waste water
2) I haven't paid off the mortgage yet. It'll leave a financial mess for my parents and for the bank.
3) I've been asked to help out with a friend's wedding. Best not to ruin his wedding by not doing the errands.
That's it. It seems the only reasons I could come up with to live another day is that I don't want to inconvenient other people. That's the best I could do.
When I die, my tombstone will say:
Friendless.
Not a bother.
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| Greek Test |
| 01.08.07 (4:52 pm) [edit] |
Prometheus
0% Extroversion, 100% Intuition, 44% Emotiveness, 14% Perceptiveness
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You are most like Prometheus, and you probably knew that before you even took this test. You probably aren't deliberately altruistic, but you still tend to do things that benefit everyone, even at great expense to your health and personal relationships. You aren't ruled by your emotions, but you still have a strong sense of justice. You make good descisions, but they can sometimes backfire (and this isn't due to a flaw in your reasoning, but due to faulty premises instead).
You are very reasonable, you understand systems, you can quickly pinpoint flaws and you know how to correct them. You pride understanding and knowledge above everything else, and your greatest fear is to appear to be incompetent. You tend to be contemptuous of authority, but you don't accept leadership roles yourself until everyone else has demonstrated their own incompetence.
You've built a very specific skill set. You know exactly where your strengths and weaknesses are, and you pride yourself on this kind of self-knowledge. You distrust tradition, which you see as arbitrary, and you rely instead on your own judgements. You also pride yourself on your pragmatism. You're also a very private person.
Most of all, people think you're arrogant, but screw them! They're the ones who benefit from your ideas and discoveries, and if they took the time to understand why it is that you say and think the things you do, they'd realize that you only appear arrogant because you are exactingly precise when it comes to your area of specification, and most of all because, when you don't know something, you don't have an opinion about it (unlike most of the loudmouths that you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis).
Relationships are your kryptonite. It isn't that you don't want them -- in fact, you would very much like a very close relationship with someone who understands you. They're just the one thing in the world that you're naturally bad at.
Famous people like you: Niels Bohr, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Werner Heisenberg, Issac Newton, John Maynard Keynes, Erwin Schrodinger
Stay Clear of: Apollo, Icarus, Hermes, Aphrodite
Seek out: Atlas, The Oracle, Daedalus
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion | | You scored higher than 99% on Intuition | | You scored higher than 99% on Emotiveness | | You scored higher than 99% on Perceptiveness |
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| A Few Error Codes |
| 01.01.07 (8:40 pm) [edit] |
"Everyone has some errors. It doesn't mean we're broken. It's part of what makes us..... us."
Such wisdom from a webcomic see MeagTokyo
Happy New Year!!!
Beginning of a new year brings hope, hope for change, hope for healing, hope that I will be less "buggy" this year.
Although I know that God is eternal and such things as a new year may seem trivial in the light of eternity. But I am merely human and am a short-sighted person (both figuratively & literally), so to me a new year is siginificant.
Yes, I have errors/bugs in my behaviours, my emotions, my self-esteem, my responses to people etc. It doesn't make me any worse or better than any other human being. We are all human, hence we are all uniquely buggy.
I look forward to this new year, with real hope & expectactions that I will improve, heal and mature as a person, by the grace of God. The process of learning not to trust and rely on people, but only on God, has been a painful process in 2006. I trust & expect that 2007 will bring much joy as I learn how trustworthy & faithful our creator is.
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| Finishing off 2006 |
| 11.06.06 (11:35 pm) [edit] |
2006 has been a big waste of time for me. I've spent most of this year trying /wanting to fit in and be part of my church again. I come back ever now & again to visit, to gauge the mood, to test the waters. And each time, I still feel excluded, left out and unwelcomed. Relationships remain broken, people are cold, distant and unfriendly.
I think this running back and forth is not good. Spiritually I do need a home church, an environment of loving brothers & sisters that are encouraging and supportive and nurturing. I need to feel "safe" to be who I am, to be honest, and to grow in character & faith.
If my home church can no longer do that, then I'll need to move on and find another church to call home in 2007. It's not an ultamantum, it's not a deadline, it's simply a need.
Greetings, smiles, friendly conversations. "How are you?", "Can I pray for you?", "What is God doing in your life?" etc etc. Am I asking too much?
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| People Are Still Weasels |
| 10.23.06 (8:18 pm) [edit] |
sigh....
I've been trying to return to my so-called "home" church on Sundays for worship, but I am still consistently being discouraged by the people there.
I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help feeling hurted that people are deliberately excluding me. It still hurts to know hear someone organizing something and inviting almost everyone, all my peers, but deliberately not me.
It makes me regret being a good person. And that's not a good thing. It makes me regret all the love & care & support that I've shown over the years. Even though I didn't do good for rewards. it still really hurts to feel rejection afterwards.
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| Finally Catching Up |
| 10.23.06 (8:12 pm) [edit] |
I went to a friend's birthday event on Sunday arvo - as usual for that friend, he chose to celebrate his birday with go-karting action.
I rushed from church to his house & carpooled to Somerton. 10 of raced on that day (6 dudes & 4 dudettes) and I kind of knew in advance that only the birthday boy & another friend would be my main competitor.
I finished 3rd in all the qualifying rounds and the final race; the birthday boy was consistently 1st and the other friend was consistenly 2nd.
Overall I was quite pleased with my performance. Although I have yet to give them a run for their money I have improved significantly. With more practice I hope to be able to give them more of a challenge.
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| BBQ In The Snow |
| 10.23.06 (8:07 pm) [edit] |
For our cell activity this month we organized a BBQ at Mount Donna Buang on Saturday. The weather during the week had been quite warm but I knew that Saturday would be slightly cool.
What I didn't expect was for the weather to be cold up in the mountains. It was so cold that it actually started to snow! Fortuantely we were under cover but it was definitely an interesting experience to be cooking BBQ with stiff fingers while huge snowflakes drifted down around us.
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| Random Ramblings |
| 10.17.06 (12:51 am) [edit] |
gaarhhh... it's almost bed time and I realized I haven't blogged for awhile... well, my brain is fried so it'll be short
My right arm has almost recovered and I can move it again without intense pain. It still feels a tad stiff and I can't quite strectch it completely. I'm just happy that it doesn't hurt anymore.
I'm been slacking off. Heaps. I've joined the gym again but I haven't actually gone back to exercise yet. Weekends have just been too busy and I just feel too buggered on weeknights after work. I am I will feel great physically and have more energy if I exercise regularly, but I need someone to whip me.
I am still kind of in my own little shell at the moment. Although I have returned back to church services recently, it hasn't been regular and I don't tend to stay on after the service. Last week I met up with a church friend for dinner and caught up with the latest news.
After hearing the struggles & problems that the church is still facing I got the impression that not only things haven't improved, rather they are getting worse. It's not so much to do with the structure or programme, but just that people aren't dealing with other with love & grace.
I really don't know. Should I return? Can I return? Although there's no such thing as a perfect church, can this ever again be my home church? Is it even a church, or just a collection of small social groups?
Is there hope? Will the people grow again in love & maturity? Do I have a part to play? Can I still give? Will I receive?
I don't know.
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| Still hurting |
| 10.04.06 (10:41 pm) [edit] |
Yup... arm is still painful. Bad bad bad bad bad....
I almost missed the train this morning so instead of running through the gate which was far away, I took a short cut and climbed up at the end of the platform. Big mistake as the act of climbing required me to push myself up with my right arm.
Straightening my arm with my body weight leaning on it caused flashes of white hot pain over my eyes. I managed to get up and ran into the carriage before the door closed, and then sat down & whimper in pain.
It took almost til lunch time before the intense pain went away... back to a dull pain.
On a lighter note... it seems going to the gym last year and early this year (til a shoulder injury forced me to take a short break) has paid off. I managed to gain around 9kg in one year without changing my body shape at all. I still fit into my clothes & jeans and a very mean friend still criticizes me of having no butt, but somehow, somewhere I must have gained some muscles cause I weight more than I used to.
When (and if) the right arm heals I'll go back to a gym and continue on the torture. I don't particularly enjoy exercising but it does feel good physically to be more healthy and more fit.
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| Crime Against Paper |
| 10.01.06 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
My right arm still hurts, less so today, but it still worries that the doctor still has no idea what is wrong with it (despite blood tests, ultrasound and X-ray).
I really, really hope that it will be cured/treated soon so I can go back to a normal life.
I commited a heinous crime against paper yesterday with my attempt to gift wrap a present. Seriously, I really don't know how to do it and there was no instructions on the wrapping paper.
The result was.... let's just say that I am pretty sure the inventor of wrapping paper was spinning in his grave. Or maybe he has climbed out of his grave as a vengeful zombie and is on the way to kill me.
With the announcements of 3 engagements from various friends, a bucks night next week, 2 weddings (includign my brother's) in November etc etc... I am feeling somewhat... slow in my (lack of) progress in my love life.
Do I even have a love life? But then again, I've been kind of avoiding the issue since I don't think I am ready for a love life.
Despite my age (don't ask!), I still feel I have a lot of emotional immaturity that I need to deal with first, and my spiritual life is kind of not happening at the moment. To me, re-building my relationship with God is more important than chasing a pair of pretty ankles (no matter how pretty they may be).
Hopefully that'll change soon. Not that I expect to ever be a perfect Christian, but I do expect that I'll deal with the major issues in the next month or two. Then back to ankles chasing... (kidding).
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| Dead... dead... dead.... |
| 09.27.06 (1:09 am) [edit] |
is my arm.
I haven't posted for awhile... I am still alive and there have been bloggable events in my life but I've just been lazy and forgetful.
My right arm (just above the elbow) started aching last
Tuesday but it was only a mild numbing ache at that time. By Thursday it had mutated into a sharp intense pain.
By Thurs evening and Friday I couldn't even move it without bringing tears tothe eyes. Despite seeing 2 doctors, ultrasound & X-ray, the doctor still don't know what is wrong. Hopefully it's just the muscles tensing up and will go away with time.
It kind of got better on the weekend & it only hurted if I tried to stretch it. But now it's worse again, even slow gentle movements are painful.
At least the pain isn't so bad that I can't work (type) or drive (as it was last Thursday & Friday) but I am worried cause the doctor can't work out the cause of the pain.
The pain has also spread from the bicep area, past the elbow, down to the forearm.
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| Gluttonous Am I |
| 09.01.06 (1:37 am) [edit] |
I went to a Thai restaurat with a few friends on Sat night. It was highly recommended my friend's Thai sister-in-law.
One dish in particular really impressed me. It was basically huge pig trotter, steamed and then deep fried so the outside was crispy.
Surprisingly, it wasn't fatty or oily and the meat was quite flavoursome. One friend called it the pig equivalent of KFC.
We ordered quite a lot of food and I ate like a pig to finish all the food. The fish dish had really great sauce, slightly sour & slightly spicy and very appetizing so I ate a lot of rice just to have more of the sauce. In the end I felt very bloated but I still suggested to the others to go for gelati dessert, unfortunately everyone else declined as they were full.
That night I couldn't fall asleep til after 2am as I was still full from dinner, I think it was the first time I've suffered indigestion. It wasn't my stomach that felt full, it felt more like the liver.
The next day I had a late lunch and I still couldn't eat much, so I ordered a plate of Chinese vegetables and ate just that. I think it took me til around Tuesday to get my appetite back completely.
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| Bidding For Stupidity |
| 09.01.06 (1:34 am) [edit] |
I attended a fundraising ball last Friday night, and towards the end of the night there were a few items for auction. One of my friends & I decided to play a game - we would try to bid for every
item without actually winning anything. So the trick was to bid early beforethe price went too high. But of course, it was more fun when we took our chances by bidding late & high and hoped that someone else would bid over us.
We had a few really close calls. My friend bided high for a voucher for 25 classes of hip hop dancing, and for awhile it looked like no one was to going to bid over him. Everyone at our table & a few waiters around our table (someone told the waiters about our game & they were happily watching us go nuts) got really, really excited as my friend started to worry. Thankfully someone bided $10 more than him in the end.
There were some really useless items that were dangerous to bid on, even at low prices, cause there was always a chance that no one would bid. One such item was a set of cloth bags. They weren't really lady's bags, more like girlie bags, they had little puppies stitched on them. The starting price was $50 & I took a risk by bidding first at $50. And then.... no one else wanted it.
The M.C. decided that he wanted to sell the bags for more (it IS a
fundraiser after all) & kept on talking up the bags til finally someone bided $60 & won. I was so glad that I didn't end up with the bags, I would probably end up giving them to to a friend's daughter if I had won.
You'd think that after those close calls we would have learn our
lesson & stopped playing the game.... but no.... we were on a high & kept on going. In the end, he won 5kg of Natural brand candies for $110 and I won USB (PC) joypads for $70. It's not like I play any games on the PC that require joypads....
I would have been happy to just donate the $70. In fact I'd rather I didn't have to accept the stupid Made In China joypads. What am I suppose to do with them?
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| Good Ol' Days |
| 08.21.06 (4:38 pm) [edit] |
I rememeber the good old days of just hanging out with church friends; dinner, mahjong, DVD etc.
Well... that kind of entertainment & hanging out still happens, just without me. After all the efforts I made in the past to bring people together, I am somewhat surprised that these same people are deliberately excluding me. The ingrats!
Seriously though. Why is it usually the Christians who are so cold & heartless? Whereas my friends who aren't Christians usually tend to be so much more warm & open?
There's nothing wrong with the faith, or with God. But the religion sure does attract the worst types.
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| Empty Insde, Despuite of Lunch |
| 08.21.06 (3:44 pm) [edit] |
I don't really know how I am feeling, or how I should be feeling. I guess I am not angry or mad or depressed, just a feeling of emptiness (and no, I am not hungry) and loss.
I don't like the this feeling but it's something I am slowly getting used to.
Last Friday night I attended the singing & sharing night (an annual event of the church's youth & young adults group). And as expected, a lot of people avoided me or just pretended I was invisible. People who were my friends just walked past me without saying a word. But there were still a few people who were warm & friendly. I left the night a bit early cause it was getting late & I was getting sleepy.
I heard there was another mass invite to a comedy show and the organizer chose not to include me. Like I said, I am not feeling angry. I feel sad, for the way things are. I feel sad, for the church (the church is slowly dying, people are leaving. An unfriendly exclusive environment does not attract people).
I feel sad for people. Especially the people that are being exclusive. A closed fist cannot receive gifts. Likewise, closed hearts cannot receive love. The more they choose to be exclusive, the less support and love they can receive.
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| Feeling Poor... |
| 08.13.06 (11:30 pm) [edit] |
I had lunch with a friend and then went to the computer swapmeet. My friend bought a new hard drive for one of his many spare PCs while I looked around for a wide screen LCD monitor.
Found a fairly cheap 19" monitor but decided against buying it in the end; didn't feel like spend $290 for something that I didn't really need (even though I really, really wanted one). I may get one later (much later) when the prices have dropped siginificantly, but til then, I just don't want to spend too much money.
I decided to do my tax return tonight cause I was expecting a nice refund - I was unemployed for over 2 months in between contracts but I've had my wages withheld for tax as if I was employed full-time. It was supposedly to be a fairly painless task to complete my tax return using ATO's "e-Tax 2006" application.
But alas! it was too much to expect that ATO could produce a flawless software. One of the questions asked me if I had a business, the answer to which is "no". Then when I tried to lodge my tax return, it complained that I did not fill in all the details to my business. The business which I did not have.
I tried to create a business with zero income but alas! it complained that I did not fill in my business incomes. So I deleted the business record and tried it again, and once again, it wanted to know about my business.
After an hour of banging my head against the desk, and sacrificing small furry animals to the small gods of computing (OK, that last bit is made up), I finally got the application to lodge my tax return (without having to report my illegal gambling, drug-trafficking, money-laundering and home-made lemonade-stand business).
e-Tax 2006 estimated that I should be getting a tax refund last year so maybe I can afford to buy myself a toy this year. Or I could pay off more of my mortgage to stop the bank from robbing me blind on interests.
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| Faith Destroyers |
| 07.25.06 (8:28 pm) [edit] |
...that's what I call my church nowadays.
I can't think of the last time that I felt encouraged, supported or loved by the Christian leaders at church. I'm resigned to the fact that's how things are going to be so I've been going to another church's cell group & they have been a real blessing for me.
I am still involve in my "home" church & still attend morning services sometimes. When I wake up on Sunday mornings, if I feel emotionally strong enough to handle the rejections & exclusions I'd go back to my "home" church. When I feel that I need a respite from hell I'd go and visit another church.
The only reason why I have not completely cut ties is because of my ministry. I am mentoring a few guys and leading a cell group of young adults (mostly uni students), and I don't want to forsake them.
But it seems that even my efforts & commitments are being unappreciated. I heard a few weeks ago that a group of church people are going to paintball (skirmish). I knew that I wasn't going to be invited so it doesn't bother me.
My uni cell is on Sat mornings. I only just found out that paintball is happening this Sat & the organizers have invited my entire cell group (minus me, of course).
Right now I am very furious and angry. Not because I am excluded (I already expected that), but because the organizers knew my cell is on Sat mornings and didn't even have the courtesy or decency to tell / ask me in advance. It's one thing to hate me, but I didn't think that a fellow Christian leader would actually discourage a ministry.
I don't know how these leaders can sleep at night, look themselves in the mirror, or pray to God with a clear conscience. They have done so much to discourage people in their faith and ministry. It's not just me, others have been leaving the church or are about to.
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| Soap Is Not Evil |
| 07.13.06 (3:42 pm) [edit] |
I dropped by at Electronic Boutique on the way to lunch today. O gawd! The stench! The really bad & disgusting B.O.! Some people give gamers a bad name. Haven't they heard of soap? Or deodorant?
I was tempted to go next door to the Body Shop and buy some soap & body wash and hand them as at EB. "Here, take this soap and for goodness sake, LEARN TO USE IT!"
Didn't want to stay in the cloud of odors so I decided I would come back after lunch. I dropped by again on the way back from lunch. Different people, different BO. Made me want to puke out my lunch.
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| Fark Headline |
| 06.30.06 (10:51 am) [edit] |
Actual news headline: “Italy soccer trial opens, then abruptly adjourns”
Headline from Fark.com: “Italy soccer trial opens, then abruptly adjourns when lawyer flops on floor and tricks judge into making the call”
The news article is quite boring but I love the mock headline from Fark.com
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| John 13:34-35 |
| 06.25.06 (8:30 pm) [edit] |
JN 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Seriously, people at my church suck! I had a meeting this afternoon and attended a large prayer meeting at church yesterday. Beyond speaking to me in the meetings, a lot of these wonder Christian people won't even say "hi" to me. They see me and just pretend I don't exist.
Jesus told his disciples to love one another as He loved them, and that by their love, others will see that they are His disciples.
In my church, you'll see Christian leaders avoiding & ignoring those they don't like, backstabbing & gossiping & holding grudges against people that offend them. By these it's clear to outsiders that they are only "Christians" in name, in truth they are a bunch of exclusive & self-righteous hyprocrites.
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